Stefan the Bamon Fanboy
by esmeralda312
Summary: Our favorite broody vampire has OTP feels just like the rest of us. Well, maybe not JUST like the rest of us. (A series of semi-interconnected, completely absurd drabbles. Sorry in advance.)
1. The Envelope

**A/N: So this has been posted on tumblr for a few days now, in the Stefan the Bamon Fanboy tag, but I figured I'd post it over here too so it can join the rest of my writing in all its ridiculously weird, painfully awkward glory. Plus if I do anymore StBF drabbles, I can put them here too. Basically I'm saying just ignore me, I'm an idiot, lol. Ok bye!**

* * *

It was just a plain yellow envelope. Nothing fancy, no frills or lace, in fact her name wasn't even written on it. But as it sat silently watching her from its place on the welcome mat on her front porch, she knew it was for her.

She picked it up, tore it open, and then nothing was ever the same again.

* * *

She stood in the foyer of the Salvatore boardinghouse, having let herself in. She held the torn envelope against her stomach. She could see Damon bustling around in the parlor, preparing a drink.

"Hey Judgy," he called out.

"I… got your text. You wanted to see me?" Her fingers curled tensely around the edge of the envelope, crinkling the torn paper.

"Yeah, so I talked to a witch in New Orleans about Silas and she was saying that – " He stopped short, noticing that she hadn't made any move to walk further into the house, and her knees practically knocked together as she shuffled nervously in place. She was staring at the ground almost shyly, all amounting to what he knew was completely un-Bonnielike behavior. He frowned. "What's with you?"

She looked up at him, confused. "Are you just gonna… You can't just pretend like you didn't send it. Not something like that, Damon."

"What the hell are you talking about, Sabrina?"

He noticed the envelope in her hands as she pulled a single photograph from it, displaying it for him to see. His eyes grew wide and his mouth fell slightly open.

It was him, captured in a washed out print from a time gone by. He was posed flagrantly against a velvet backdrop, wearing nothing but a smile and a strategically held teddy bear. Written over the image in bold black marker were the words, "Can't BEAR to be without you, Bonnie! xoxo, Damon."

"Wait, this isn't my handwriting… that's – STEFAN! WHAT THE HELL, I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY STUFF!" he roared, turning to face the staircase. He was answered by silence. "You're a vampire, I know you can hear me!"

Bonnie's eyebrows rose questioningly. "But why did you – why do you even have this?"

He snatched the envelope and photograph from her hands, clutching them to his chest protectively. "The seventies were a strange and liberated time, _Bonnie_." He frowned. "Seriously, STEFAN WHAT THE HELL!"


	2. The Shrine

**A/N: OMG you guys, wow. I was basically just putting this up here for my own compulsive organizational reasons, I in no way expected a response LOL. Thanks so much for reading and for your reviews/favorites/follows! **

**That said, you should know that these are going to be pretty horrible and preposterous LOL. Basically I'm going to be apologizing a lot in the author's notes. (I'm sorry, I'm an apologizer!). Also the teddy bear is probably going to be the punchline for like every single one. Sorry again.**

**I hope you enjoy the total absurdity, though. I'm over here giggling under my breath like a total weirdo the entire time I'm writing. :D**

* * *

"Hey, you gonna finish that?" Damon's eyebrows waggled at Bonnie across their table at the Grill.

She barely looked up, completely engrossed in the grimoire spread open before her. "Nah, go for it."

With a triumphant grin, he seized the styrofoam cup. Vampires didn't require food or drink to maintain their unlife, but damn if he didn't love a good milkshake now and then. He hummed contentedly into the straw as the sweetness filled his mouth.

Unbeknownst to either the vampire or the witch, a pair of eyes watched avidly from across the room. Standing breathless beside the pool table, Stefan couldn't seem to tear his gaze from the pair.

"Stefan!"

He finally looked back to his opponent, and the quarterback rolled his eyes.

"I've been trying to get your attention for like 5 minutes. It's your turn."

Stefan lined up his shot distractedly, and the blond couldn't help noticing that he kept glancing back to Bonnie and Damon.

"Dude, you've got to get a grip. It's getting kind of creepy," Matt laughed.

Stefan was about to respond when he saw that his OTP were slipping out of the booth and preparing to leave. "Good game, Matt, gotta run!"

Matt glanced down at the table, still crowded with pool balls. "Whatever, man." He shook his head.

But Stefan was already halfway across the restaurant. He slid with false nonchalance to stand beside the table that the pair had abandoned, his eyes gleaming in wild fanboy anticipation.

Smoothly, he tugged the straw out of the styrofoam milkshake cup, tucking it into his jacket pocket. A wide grin crossed his face, and he strolled happily out of the Grill.

* * *

"Hey, baby bro, do you have any emerald cufflinks? An escort is supposed to match his charge's dress, right?" He strode into Stefan's bedroom, finding himself well into the cluttered space before he realized the younger vampire was in the shower.

Being Damon, he just shrugged and decided to help himself.

As he made his way to the armoire, he muttered, "I still can't believe you talked me into this. What kind of 170-year-old goes to _prom_?"

He jerked the doors to the tall wardrobe open, and his jaw dropped. His griping was completely swept out of his mind.

Inside was a small table, an altar really. Blanketed in a bold green brocade he was certain would match the eye color of a certain witch, every inch of the table was covered in items, candles and framed photographs. And every item and photograph was linked to Bonnie and himself.

It was a shrine.

There were pictures of he and Bonnie walking together, clearly snapped by someone observing from a great distance. Pictures of he and Bonnie dancing together the night they faked her death. Pictures of he and Bonnie sitting together plotting at the Grill. Pictures of each of them alone, cut up and awkwardly stuck to each other with glue so that they appeared to be preparing to kiss...

He recognized the cloth that she had held to her neck at Elena's house the morning after she had been possessed by witchy ghosts to turn Alaric and he had saved her. He cringed to realize it was still covered in dark crimson stains.

Then he saw the amber crystal. The cursed jewel had brought them together for the first time, though in a way not terribly pleasant for either of them. He snatched it up, grasping the gold chain as the pendant dangled beneath his outstretched hand. He heard his brother coming out of the bathroom and turned to him, shoving the jewelry towards him accusingly. "How do you have _this_?"

"Oh, it's a replica. They sell them on Etsy, it's pretty impressive actually," the younger Salvatore answered breezily, seeming in no way ashamed of his shipping. He glanced at Damon's well-tailored black suit, and he felt the feels begin to wash over him. "You clean up good, Bonnie's going to be so happy to have you on her arm. Did you get the corsage? Remember, gardenias are her favorite. You got the corsage, right?"

Damon groaned. He tossed the crystal back into the armoire, his gaze latching onto a clear plastic straw placed reverently at the center of the altar. Even from that distance he could smell the delicious, delicious milkshake coating it. "Is that from this morn - "

His musing was cut off as he saw the teddy bear stuffed farther towards the back.

"Did you take this from the attic?" As he lifted the teddy bear out of the armoire, he realized that tucked behind it was the suggestive photograph of him that had recently been mailed to Bonnie, still scrawled with the terrible pun and now set in a brightly gilded frame.

"Seriously Stefan, WHAT THE HELL!"


	3. Reconnaissance

**A/N: You guys are so fantastic, LOL. Your reviews and messages are totally cracking me up, thank you so much for being so forgiving of my weirdness and/or participating in said weirdness! **

**I wasn't joking about that teddy bear! As you will see in a moment here.**

**And I realized that I've been forgetting to disclaimer all of these, though honestly I doubt that if Julie Plec or whoever saw this she'd want to touch it with a 10 foot pole, lmao. But still. I disclaim it all! (and for the record, I in my completely biased opinion do think they should go there with the show! Stefan the Bamon Fanboy as ridiculously ridiculous canon would basically make my life LOL)**

**Hope you guys are still enjoying these, I already know I'm going to be sitting here cackling evilly to myself and writing them long after you're tired of them. Fair warning!**

* * *

"THE LITTLE BIRD IS AT THE ROOST. I REPEAT, THE LITTLE BIRD IS AT THE ROOST." Stefan whispered into his walkie-talkie urgently.

Caroline's voice crackled from the other end. "Is the little bird Bonnie or Damon, again?"

"_Caroline_. It's not a code if you have to explain it every time!" he hissed.

Elena grabbed the thing from Stefan, giving him an admonishing glance. "Don't listen to him, Caro, it's fine. Little bird is Bonnie, and she just got here. You know what to do."

"10/4, Lena!" the blonde vampire chirped before the line went silent.

The little bird in question wandered further into the Grill, taking a seat in one of the booths with her back to the spies, who were well hidden in one of the darker corners of the place. Stefan sank down in his seat in an attempt to be more inconspicuous, tipping the bill of his baseball cap to shade his face.

"Your beard is slipping." Elena was obviously trying not to laugh.

He tugged at the elastic band stretching around his head, repositioning the ragged grey beard.

"It doesn't even match your hair." A giggle slipped from the brunette's lips.

Stefan frowned, though any visible sign of the emotion was lost beneath layers of false facial hair. "It's my _disguise_, Elena. And at least I'm in mine. You're jeopardizing the entire mission by not wearing the wig I got you."

"I'm pretty sure a rainbow fro would draw more attention to us, not less." She rolled her eyes.

But he was already distracted, as Bonnie pulled her phone from her purse. The witch tapped out a text message, and his unbeating heart nearly leapt from his chest when Elena's handbag gave a shrill beep in response.

"Put it on silent, put it on silent! You're going to blow our cover!"

Elena hurriedly grabbed the phone from her bag, setting it to vibrate mode. Stefan's enthusiasm for the so-called mission was a little over the top, yes, but she had to admit that she had her own feels about their OTP. Getting caught was not on her list of things to do.

She glanced down at the screen. "She wants to know where I am, I'm 15 minutes late now."

"Where's Caroline?" Stefan groaned. "She's not going to wait around forever."

Just then, Damon burst through the entrance of the establishment, his eyes wild. The panic on his face quickly melted into confusion as he noticed the witch sitting quietly alone in the booth.

Stefan was gripping the table so hard that the wood began to crack, his gaze fixed on his brother. As the older vampire made his way towards Bonnie, a sharp intake of breath echoed from Stefan's lips.

Elena glanced at him in concern. "Are you - are you okay?"

"What is air?" he whispered, though he was clearly hyperventilating. "Don't forget the pictures!"

Elena held up Stefan's camera, which he had awkwardly disguised inside a teddy bear, the wide lens poking out of the stuffed creature's belly. "How is this any less weird than me just holding a camera?" Stefan wasn't listening, his attention rapt on the couple.

Damon slid into the booth across from Bonnie. "Hey, Judgy. So you seem… you're fine, right?"

The witch blinked. "What? Yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing here?"

The vampire glowered. "I got some bad information. Blondie's idea of a practical joke or something."

Bonnie raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"There's no fire here or werewolves attacking you. Or 'evil magic fox people.' I guess that last one should have been a clue." He rolled his icy blue eyes in annoyance.

Despite herself, Bonnie laughed. Damon liked the sound of it, giving her a smirk.

Across the room, Stefan was waving his hands around uncontrollably. "OMGOMG, he was worried about her and now the banter and she's laughing and that's his flirty smirk and OMG"

"Stefan, they're going to see you, you need to stop!" Elena whispered worriedly.

"But Elena, my feels!"

Slender arms knocked him further into the booth, pushing his hands firmly under his own thighs as Caroline slid in beside him. "What did I miss?" she breathed.

"Perfection," Stefan moaned.

The two girls glanced at the vampire with some concern, but this affliction wasn't exactly new. His ever growing obsession with Bonnie and his brother had been disconcerting at first, but eventually much of the Scooby gang discovered that shipping Bamon was a fever, and it was catching.

Caroline and Elena both turned back to watch the pair as they leaned over the table towards each other. Damon had clearly just said something stupid, and he looked extremely smug as Bonnie's lip curled in disdain. But then he said something else, and she laughed.

"Oh man, I know what we have to do." The girls snapped their heads towards Stefan as he spoke. His tone made it clear that whatever he was about to do was probably a terrible idea.

Before either of them could speak up to argue, he was shoving his way out of the booth, and Caroline was on her butt on the sticky floor of the Grill. "Ugh, gross."

But Stefan was already halfway across the room, making a bee-line for a waiter who stood beside Bonnie. Balanced precariously on one of the man's hands, a tray hovered over the witch's head bearing a variety of drinks.

"Oh no… he wouldn't," Elena groaned, and Caroline's eyes widened as she climbed to her feet and dusted herself off.

"Oh, he so would." The blonde winced as the vampire's elbow quite deliberately knocked the tray. Glasses of all manner of unknown beverage toppled directly onto an unsuspecting Bonnie.

"Goodness me, I am so clumsy!" Stefan cried in some completely unidentifiable accent, giving his beard a tug to readjust it at the last moment.

Damon stared up at him. "Stefan, seriously?" He reached over and began to gently dab his napkin over Bonnie's shirt, and Stefan's grin was wide enough to be seen behind his now off-kilter fake beard.

"I do not know this _Stefan_," he said over his shoulder as he rushed back to his table. Caroline and Elena sank into their seats, their embarrassed faces shielded by their hands.

Bonnie grasped Damon's arm and pushed it away as she stood and followed the awkwardly bearded man, her soaked clothing clinging to her frame. Damon trailed behind her.

Her eyes grew wide as she neared the table. "Elena, Caroline? You were in on this too?"

Before either of the girls could respond, she spoke again, pointing to the "camera" in Elena's hands. "Wait, Damon, isn't that your… teddy bear?" She cringed.

Damon spluttered. "STEFAN WHAT THE HELL!"


End file.
